The Square

I’m back in France since last Saturday and will already be on my way back to the States Tuesday. It has been very nice to enjoy my town again, Villefranche sur Mer. Right now everything is very wintery and Christmassy.

I open my door everyday to the nativity scene, and to huge plastic polar bears. I live right in front of a public square in the old town, by the church. My 20sq ft meters studio is situated on the walk way and looks like an old abandoned shop. It has one big window and door/window covered with white grid to avoid accidents when kids are playing ball on the square after school. I like to open the door and sit there on the front step. I like to watch the leaves of the trees move with the wind. There are four big trees around the square and when it’s summer they take heart shapes. In the winter they loose all their leaves and their branches go strait up to the sky has if they wanted to grab the clouds. There is also a fifth tree, which is a pepper tree. This one keeps its leaves all years long. It always smells spicy when you sit underneath it. The church is right there and the bells ring every hour starting from one “dong” to 12 depending on the time of the day. And they do as well once every half an hour. When there is a wedding going on, the bells go crazy jolly before and after the ceremony…and for so long! It is a little too much sometimes, especially in the summer when there is a wedding every other day! They also ring when someone from the town had died. The melody gets slow and creepy. I never go outside in the “rue de l’Eglise” then if I’m in the studio as it is hard to see people crying and men carrying the coffin to the church. Carrying it in, then carrying it out. I also turn my music off if I’m listening to any, I don’t know why but I feel like it is a sign of respect due to the person who passed. I listen to the crying bells in silence, wondering if I knew the person from view or if friends of mine did and are part of the ceremony. In a small village it is always a possibility. When I think of it, it’s a little ironic that I now stay near a funeral home in the states and Scottish bagpipes have replaced the bells… When there is a wedding I also avoid going down the street; it gets crazy busy and you always end up being flashed by a camera or getting ran-in by a kid while you try to find your way out of the crowd! Though I love the flower petals and the hearts shaped paper cuts that remains on the street all day and night after the wedding. You know something special happened there, you know for sure that it was a very happy moment.

In my studio, when the glass door is shut, I can open a part of it, leaving the air in. I always do it even in winter, as it is the only aeration I have. The building was built in 1702 so there are a few inconvenient. It does make it so special though. With that window constantly open, I can hear every single noise in the street. There is a little fountain that is always running and it gives me one of the sweetest feelings. I feel safe and relaxed.

Depending the time of the day, life around the square changes…

Around 6 in the morning, you can hear something scratching the floor and getting closer and closer to my door.

When I first moved in, I got so scared of that noise, I had no idea what it was! Then I realized that it was just a man whose job is to clean the streets before everyone wakes up! Now when I’m awake to hear it, I wonder who that man is and if it is still the same man as 5 years ago when I moved in. You see, I of course close my shades and curtains at night. I always heard the broom but never saw the man. It makes me smile. He has no idea that I’m writing about him right now. He probably thinks that my place is an old empty shop and that no one lives there. It is after all what it looks like from outside! He doesn’t know that the sound of his broom is something someone will miss. At least my place doesn’t attract the curious ones or naughty ones at night. But during the day and mostly in the summer time, when my door is half open, I sometime have a nonchalant tourist that walks in, as if it really was a shop! Or I see their faces glued to my window, hands around their eyes to have a look inside. My next-door neighbors have the same problem. But worst, as their place looks much fancier than mine! Later in the morning, around 9, I can hear the old ladies chatting. They meet right in front of my door, sit on the low little wall that surrounds the square and speak about what is happening and not happening in town. It lasts for about 20 minutes and then they go their separate ways to the vegetable shop or to Lucienne’s little goods shop that sales “rotisserie” chickens every morning. There is never any left after 11! The smell goes up and down the street and you can’t resist! The best chickens, ever. We call it “poulet roti”. Every day she also makes a new “take away” dish that you can re-heat at home and enjoy. She always has the best local specialties. Before and after lunch, the street gets busy as everyone gets on and off work. Lunchtime is a BIG thing in France and people like to eat outside if it’s sunny. Which luckily is 80% of the time in South of France! So I often have ladies chatting and eating their lunch together one of the benches on the square. Others go to the café up the street and enjoy a nice salad or “entrecote-frites”. Then it gets quiet again for a while. Everyone ate and if you are not working, then you are sleeping! The elders do anyway. During summer time, you can hear the lost tourists searching for the galleries and chapels to visit. Then you hear every language there is! If and when I’m sitting outside on my step, you can be sure that someone will ask me the way. I should have opened a tourist agency there… It would work so well! Life continues around the square and you can soon hear the moms going up to the school to pick up their little ones. And I witness a daily meeting and “what’s up and not” again. Half an hour later, around 4.30pm the street and square transforms into the holder of an extremely messy symphony of running stomps and shouts and screams and laughs and bikes and flying balls (often stopped by my well protected window in a big “BANG”)!

Often you also end up hearing “maaamaaaaaaaaaaan” followed by a big sob. Then everyone goes home to their “gouter” which is a little bite to eat, usually something good and sugary, before homework so the kids don’t get too hungry before diner. Soon after that everyone comes back from work and greets each other as they walk up and down the street with a loud voice on their way home:

- “Bonne soiree!”

- “Toi aussi!”

- “A demain!”

- “Ciao a Demain!”

A little after that, when it’s quieter again, you can hear water dripping down in front of my door; it’s the 3rd floor lady that waters her plants. It did fall on my head a few times!

When the evening has arrived, if it’s summer time, the faraway sounds of the main street come to my ears from all the way down the stairs of the village. The restaurants are getting full and there is music in the air. The square takes a nice sunset color full of warm yellows and greens, orange will soon show up and the reds of the berries are magnificent. If it’s wintertime, your ear focuses much more on the bell ringing 7 or 8 times and on the fountain, still running. The square lights up and looks like the perfect romantic meeting spot. Once in a while a homeless person will come and borrow a bench for the night. It always makes me feel a little insecure at first and I can decide to offer them a cookie or two if I’ve seen them on that bench enough times to make sure that I’m won’t be in a sketchy situation. One of them used to often listen to his portable-radio so I’d hear a little music along with the water running. He also would wear woman’s earrings...

At night you sometimes hear cats fighting. I never liked that. One night a cat “begged” me to open my door and let him in, which I did. He stayed a while then left. You also can randomly hear happily drunken people going home or to someone else’s home after the bars are closed! Then again, the broom around 6.

The owner wants to sale my studio. This is the last year I’ll hear all this together. I cannot afford to buy it. I would have loved to. This will always be the place where I knew I was home right away, the first day I slept in. With only a mattress on the floor and the smell of fresh paint on the wall. So much happened there. Creation, romances, afternoon music and “people watching”, outside painting, rare but wonderful parties with drinks and food outside. The all square was my porch! Renovations and humidity problems, ant invasions, even toilet providing during a traditional village ball on the square!

One of the best memories and definitely one of the most surprising ones was an evening when I heard singing outside… like angels singing! I went out to see what was going on that was so magical. As I closed the door behind me, something like a hundred people looked my way! A hundred people with candles in their hands. If I remember correctly, it was for the Christ’s resurrection’s Mass. Someone looked at me again and gave me a sign of invitation while the chorus was still going. Now I’m not religious but I use to go to church once in a while when I was a kid. What I did not understand was that this procession was going to move to the church and well… I was given a candle thinking that this was just something happening on my square and had to follow until the end. Not “had to” but should and did. I couldn’t really give the candle back and say, “thanks for the songs”.

I stayed until the end and it gave me a nice time to think about everything I was thankful for having in my life. I thanked life, not God, and I felt good about it. It was touching to see people so close to one another and so connected. The church was beautiful and I even let a candle to Saint Therese, Saint of lost causes. Like I said, I’m not religious but I’ve always liked the image of female Saints. My mother, who believes and goes to church here and there, taught me and my sister about some of them when we where kids. She told us about these biblical characters that might have existed or not. About this image to follow of truly good hearted people. After Mass, everyone and I went back home and my candle stayed there, slowly burning, lighting Therese’s face looking down at it. Today it represents a lot to me. When I think back, I’m thankful for the randomness of life and for it to have given me one of the most interesting and special places to live at. It certainly is one of the most beautiful ones. Now I have to let it go. And I think that having written this today helps. It is if I can say, a “lost cause” for me but a new one to discover for someone else. Good luck to you, next guardian of the square. Good luck with my dear bells, fountain, unknown broom-man, curious and lost tourists and future surprises. I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I did.

P.S: I just got home and someone moved the polar bears of the Christmas decoration, making them look like they are conceiving a little one…they were two of them on separate corners of the square and someone thought it would be funny to place the bear standing on his back legs behind the one standing on his four legs… The ladies are going to have quite something to comment about tomorrow!

Happy Holidays.

US of A

It has been since June that I spend most of my

time in the United States. We left the boat because of a untrustworthy boss who decided not to pay me a salary just before the summer season started. So we decided to say bye to the boat and hello to the States. My boyfriend is American and found a job here that is to last until next summer. We are now at the half time of our

adventure here. Which is for me a beautiful but not easy one. Not easy specially for him. He misses sailing very much. He is on a new boat but this one is more of a "day sailing in the harbor" type deal. And this is NOT his style. If you ask me I'll say "I love it here, I love our time here, I'm happy." But I see that he isn't as happy as I am or as he could be and that's hard. Soon enough we'll be back sailing and traveling. I will love that too. I try to always focus on the best of the situations I'm in. But I know that I'm going to have a very hard time. There is so much here that we'll be leaving behind. So much.

I've found something here that I've always been longing for...

 A beauty and a simplicity of life that seems unreal. Smiles everywhere and "hello" everywhere. They took me in fully and truly and I can never be thankful enough for that. It's like these TV shows where you meet the perfect American family. The dogs, the kids, the big backyards and the huge family reunions are very well there. The love is there more than I ever saw before. Weddings and babies are on the way and "the moms" are there to find every evening, knitting by the fire stove...

He always had that and he knows he' ll always have it so it is easier for him to leave. He wants the ocean and the wild. And anywhere he goes I'll follow. I need this too. Even though sometimes I'd like to stop time and stay here for ever, we both have our hearts in traveling and adventures. This time I'm in an adventure where I let myself go and where I feel completely safe. When we'll leave, I'll cry. But there is so much more to see and to discover on the way. I can't wait to be a part of that too. We learned to make compromises for each other and it is not an easy thing to do. But I "pray" for it to keep working.

I haven't been writing in a while for stupid reasons really. Basically I was not sure I wanted to talk about my situation. You see, every three month I have to go back to France. Because getting a visa here is way harder that what we thought. I can't work and I can't stay. I can only get "3 month at the time" tourist visas. To get a work visa, I need a company to sponsor me and send a demand for me. Which is very difficult as before you are given any type of work visas, the American Embassy has to be sure that you are not "taking away" a job that an American citizen could get instead of you. So if you are not upper rich, an engineer or some type of doctor or scientist, well you pretty much are nothing. I don't have enough "particular" skills to get a work visa here. I could be a student but I am not in the States long enough for that and to go to school is VERY expansive here. I surely can't get any proper income at the moment either. Which is another problem as my boyfriend has to take care of all the bills. The egg and the chicken. I feel useless.

So many said "You two should get married! What are you waiting for?"

But no. No and no.

We do not want to get married just for the paper work. It would be a mistake. We love each other deeply and as long as we do, we'll want to get married one day. When we are ready and when we don't have to have a reason for it but love. For sure it would be the solution to our struggle here. The thing is that I'd rather struggle and stay true to myself.

I could get a six month tourist visa too. But for that I have to go to an American Embassy out of the US, for me the easiest would be Paris. Though I'm from the south of France and it would cost me at least a hundred box to go there and back. Then to take an appointment with the Embassy (which can only be done in advance by phone or online) I have to pay 15 euros. Then once I get the appointment I have to show up at the Embassy in Paris early morning, pretty much the day they chose, without any electronic devise on me and pay 150 euros to apply for a visa which might be accepted or not (big fake smile on my face...). Then you have to wait. Maybe two weeks, maybe two month. And you have to wait outside of the US of course. And no need to tell you that if you get the visa you probably only get it once.

So I passed on this one.

All that can be very unfair. So many people get married for a green card when they don't love each other. Sometimes they don't even know who they're marrying. And they have it easy.

I understand them though. Because for some it is their only choice and their situations can be far more complicated or dramatic than mine! Many would do anything not to go back to their previous lives. They want the American promise of the dream, they want the unaccessible, the life changing light-headed feeling. They'll get what they saw in the movies, at least for the visual part. And I wish them all the best for the rest.

My life in France is fine, I just need to be with him where ever his work or soul takes him. So I stay true to myself and to "the government" and I'm the one struggling, with a pounding heart when ever I'm back in the US, at the airport, in front of an immigration agent...

Him: "What is the purpose of your visit?''

Me: "I'm here to visit my boyfriend."

Him: "Is your boyfriend an American citizen?"

Me: "Yes."

Him: "What does your boyfriend do?"

Me: "He's got a one year job on a boat in Newport."

Him: "How long do you plan on staying?"

Me: "Three month"

Him: (Looks at me as if I was something very suspect...)

Now he asks me to put my fingers on that machine to take my finger prints again so he can find me in his register. My hands are sweating and shaking from stress. Then I look at the little camera in front of me and he takes my picture, again. He takes his time being so serious while I'm about to faint and finally hands me my passport and my visa demand back saying:

"Welcome to America"

You have no idea how these three words have been ruling my life lately. It all depends on them. And each time I go with the fear not to hear them. Not that I'm doing anything illegal but that I don't know how many times they'll let me in and out like that. So many people told me "do not EVER say that you have a boyfriend in the states! They'll thing you plan on staying there and working there!!" Well I'm sorry but I can't lie. And I can't possibly handle the stress of adding lies to my explanations of why I want to enter American soil every three month! Until now the truth worked and I intend to keep it that way. But man! What a stress! What a horrible feeling to be looked upon like something potentially bad, dangerous or unwanted. To have to fill paper works in the plane where you have to check YES or NO in front of questions such as "do you plan on attacking us?" or "were you ever involved in a genocide?"

Oh yes they do.

I know it is security precautions but it is scientifically proven than when security increases, what decreases is human rights. And I've seen it, been in it, live with it.

Now when you're in an airport, you get so scared of all they make you go through that whoever you are, you get a feeling of guilt not matter what.

Et voila, in a week i'm in for a massive stress period again. Back to France I have to buy another plane ticket with no money to come back here for Christmas. To be with my boyfriend and his warm family. Maybe one day I'll be able to feel free coming to the US, I'll be able to look at an agent without shaking hands and cold sweats because I'll finally be looked upon in a normal or at least better way. But for now it is the same each time, with more questions each time.

Unfortunately, wanting to live with the one you love, being nice, openminded, smart and fluent in English doesn't cut it. It probably never will. Even without taking a job from someone. Bottom line, a little french artist is simply not welcome enough.

Having said that, I have to add that even with the difficulties, I absolutely love the States and I really encourage foreigners to come and visit. People are generally very friendly, warm and welcoming. You'll be amazed, confused, surprised, you'll see things you never thought you'd see,

you'll amuse people by your widely

opened child's eyes in front of situations and things common to them all. But you, you'll feel like you're living in a constant movie! (I make

them laugh when I get excited each time I see yellow school buses, taxis and trash trucks...go figure).

I believe that this can really be the land of opportunities...once you are given the chance.

Annabelle.