US of A

It has been since June that I spend most of my

time in the United States. We left the boat because of a untrustworthy boss who decided not to pay me a salary just before the summer season started. So we decided to say bye to the boat and hello to the States. My boyfriend is American and found a job here that is to last until next summer. We are now at the half time of our

adventure here. Which is for me a beautiful but not easy one. Not easy specially for him. He misses sailing very much. He is on a new boat but this one is more of a "day sailing in the harbor" type deal. And this is NOT his style. If you ask me I'll say "I love it here, I love our time here, I'm happy." But I see that he isn't as happy as I am or as he could be and that's hard. Soon enough we'll be back sailing and traveling. I will love that too. I try to always focus on the best of the situations I'm in. But I know that I'm going to have a very hard time. There is so much here that we'll be leaving behind. So much.

I've found something here that I've always been longing for...

 A beauty and a simplicity of life that seems unreal. Smiles everywhere and "hello" everywhere. They took me in fully and truly and I can never be thankful enough for that. It's like these TV shows where you meet the perfect American family. The dogs, the kids, the big backyards and the huge family reunions are very well there. The love is there more than I ever saw before. Weddings and babies are on the way and "the moms" are there to find every evening, knitting by the fire stove...

He always had that and he knows he' ll always have it so it is easier for him to leave. He wants the ocean and the wild. And anywhere he goes I'll follow. I need this too. Even though sometimes I'd like to stop time and stay here for ever, we both have our hearts in traveling and adventures. This time I'm in an adventure where I let myself go and where I feel completely safe. When we'll leave, I'll cry. But there is so much more to see and to discover on the way. I can't wait to be a part of that too. We learned to make compromises for each other and it is not an easy thing to do. But I "pray" for it to keep working.

I haven't been writing in a while for stupid reasons really. Basically I was not sure I wanted to talk about my situation. You see, every three month I have to go back to France. Because getting a visa here is way harder that what we thought. I can't work and I can't stay. I can only get "3 month at the time" tourist visas. To get a work visa, I need a company to sponsor me and send a demand for me. Which is very difficult as before you are given any type of work visas, the American Embassy has to be sure that you are not "taking away" a job that an American citizen could get instead of you. So if you are not upper rich, an engineer or some type of doctor or scientist, well you pretty much are nothing. I don't have enough "particular" skills to get a work visa here. I could be a student but I am not in the States long enough for that and to go to school is VERY expansive here. I surely can't get any proper income at the moment either. Which is another problem as my boyfriend has to take care of all the bills. The egg and the chicken. I feel useless.

So many said "You two should get married! What are you waiting for?"

But no. No and no.

We do not want to get married just for the paper work. It would be a mistake. We love each other deeply and as long as we do, we'll want to get married one day. When we are ready and when we don't have to have a reason for it but love. For sure it would be the solution to our struggle here. The thing is that I'd rather struggle and stay true to myself.

I could get a six month tourist visa too. But for that I have to go to an American Embassy out of the US, for me the easiest would be Paris. Though I'm from the south of France and it would cost me at least a hundred box to go there and back. Then to take an appointment with the Embassy (which can only be done in advance by phone or online) I have to pay 15 euros. Then once I get the appointment I have to show up at the Embassy in Paris early morning, pretty much the day they chose, without any electronic devise on me and pay 150 euros to apply for a visa which might be accepted or not (big fake smile on my face...). Then you have to wait. Maybe two weeks, maybe two month. And you have to wait outside of the US of course. And no need to tell you that if you get the visa you probably only get it once.

So I passed on this one.

All that can be very unfair. So many people get married for a green card when they don't love each other. Sometimes they don't even know who they're marrying. And they have it easy.

I understand them though. Because for some it is their only choice and their situations can be far more complicated or dramatic than mine! Many would do anything not to go back to their previous lives. They want the American promise of the dream, they want the unaccessible, the life changing light-headed feeling. They'll get what they saw in the movies, at least for the visual part. And I wish them all the best for the rest.

My life in France is fine, I just need to be with him where ever his work or soul takes him. So I stay true to myself and to "the government" and I'm the one struggling, with a pounding heart when ever I'm back in the US, at the airport, in front of an immigration agent...

Him: "What is the purpose of your visit?''

Me: "I'm here to visit my boyfriend."

Him: "Is your boyfriend an American citizen?"

Me: "Yes."

Him: "What does your boyfriend do?"

Me: "He's got a one year job on a boat in Newport."

Him: "How long do you plan on staying?"

Me: "Three month"

Him: (Looks at me as if I was something very suspect...)

Now he asks me to put my fingers on that machine to take my finger prints again so he can find me in his register. My hands are sweating and shaking from stress. Then I look at the little camera in front of me and he takes my picture, again. He takes his time being so serious while I'm about to faint and finally hands me my passport and my visa demand back saying:

"Welcome to America"

You have no idea how these three words have been ruling my life lately. It all depends on them. And each time I go with the fear not to hear them. Not that I'm doing anything illegal but that I don't know how many times they'll let me in and out like that. So many people told me "do not EVER say that you have a boyfriend in the states! They'll thing you plan on staying there and working there!!" Well I'm sorry but I can't lie. And I can't possibly handle the stress of adding lies to my explanations of why I want to enter American soil every three month! Until now the truth worked and I intend to keep it that way. But man! What a stress! What a horrible feeling to be looked upon like something potentially bad, dangerous or unwanted. To have to fill paper works in the plane where you have to check YES or NO in front of questions such as "do you plan on attacking us?" or "were you ever involved in a genocide?"

Oh yes they do.

I know it is security precautions but it is scientifically proven than when security increases, what decreases is human rights. And I've seen it, been in it, live with it.

Now when you're in an airport, you get so scared of all they make you go through that whoever you are, you get a feeling of guilt not matter what.

Et voila, in a week i'm in for a massive stress period again. Back to France I have to buy another plane ticket with no money to come back here for Christmas. To be with my boyfriend and his warm family. Maybe one day I'll be able to feel free coming to the US, I'll be able to look at an agent without shaking hands and cold sweats because I'll finally be looked upon in a normal or at least better way. But for now it is the same each time, with more questions each time.

Unfortunately, wanting to live with the one you love, being nice, openminded, smart and fluent in English doesn't cut it. It probably never will. Even without taking a job from someone. Bottom line, a little french artist is simply not welcome enough.

Having said that, I have to add that even with the difficulties, I absolutely love the States and I really encourage foreigners to come and visit. People are generally very friendly, warm and welcoming. You'll be amazed, confused, surprised, you'll see things you never thought you'd see,

you'll amuse people by your widely

opened child's eyes in front of situations and things common to them all. But you, you'll feel like you're living in a constant movie! (I make

them laugh when I get excited each time I see yellow school buses, taxis and trash trucks...go figure).

I believe that this can really be the land of opportunities...once you are given the chance.

Annabelle.